Evil Remains

Evil Remains (2004) This probably should have been called ‘The Texas Chainsaw Nightmare on Friday the 13th Street’. It steals liberally from all those better done movies. Or it could have been called ‘Little Talent Remains’ which would have been a more accurate description of the goings on behind the camera. ‘Battling Illogic in the Bayou’ is another more appropriate title that comes to mind or it could also have had a more literal title of ‘Man Wearing a Dog’s Head Kills Everyone’ but I suspect the moguls responsible for this classic wouldn’t buy that one. We are once again visiting that charming mythical land of the dead teenager movie. Believe me, almost everyone gets it in this one and the explanation for all the offings is a bit fuzzy. There is the traditional mumbo jumbo about slave abuse, civil war atrocities, and stuff like that causing some sort of curse to fall on an old New Orleans plantation. In addition, twenty years ago, the lame brain son living there killed his parents and ‘apparently’ died in the fire but his body was never found. If this sounds familiar, you are correct. This plot device must have been used in approximately 172.4 movies so far. (Some were so bad you couldn’t count them as a whole movie.) Throw in some cockamamie curse where people go nutzoid when living in the house and you have an excuse to kill everyone without the need for any logic in the process. Is it the kid that survived the fire wearing a dog’s head (Whom he strangled prior to offing his folks.) or are the somewhat unstable teens succumbing to the curse and killing each other. Frankly, I didn’t give a patooty, it just didn’t make much sense. To be fair, the young cast emotes well and actually shows some acting skills but the lack of rationality in the script kills their performances. However, there are sufficient ghastly murders to keep you low lifes out there happy. The movie is rated R for: excessive bear traps, really big bear traps, rabbit traps, girl traps, multiple sharp shears, bleeding walls, multiple bumps going in the night, excessive bumps going in the day, irrational teens, irrational homicidal maniacs, irrational plotlines, and for the really unimaginative ending.