Petrified

Petrified (2006): Hold on to your heads gang because viewing this movie will likely cause your mind to go numb and your brains to fall out. You won’t believe the plot in this low budget non-classic. It seems some ner-do-wells have smuggled an ancient mummy into the country from Libya, accidentally spilling some blood on it after murdering their client. The mummy comes to life and uses his laser eyeballs to turn them into stone. But wait, one of the ner-do-wells is an undercover FBI agent who runs from the murderous ner-do-wells before they can kill him. He and two other agents are on the trail of the mummy who is actually an alien mummy that apparently crashed on earth a long time ago. Don’t ask me how or why the ancients managed to eliminate this alien with ‘Betty Davis eyes’ and mummify him thousands of years ago. And how is it he comes back to life with a little blood spill? Don’t ask. Mr. Mummy had really bad teeth too, so he might actually have come from the UK but that is just a guess on my part. And Mr. Mummy also comes with a mummified hand in a box but he appears to have both of his own hands (or claws) attached so….who’s hand is it anyway? Don’t ask.

Our hero hides in what appears to be a standard 3 bedroom house but is actually a clinic for wayward girls….well…..that is…..um…..the gals all seem to have an excess lust for….well…………lust. So what we wind up with is a tale of an alien mummy loose in a building full of, how shall we say this gracefully, less-bean nymphomaniacs. This is clearly just an excuse to bring in a lot of WIU’s (women in underwear) and have a lot of less-bean grapplings. Apparently the mummy likes to drink blood too and interrupts a number of grapplings, turns a number of lustful ladies into porcelain and causes sufficient mayhem to cause the mad professor who runs the clinic, the studly FBI agent and the lead grappler’s sister to join forces and defeat the mummy. Luckily, it turns out that salt turns him to dust and all live happily ever after but for a few exceptions. It seems the missing hand has suddenly reanimated (don’t ask how or why) and strangles the Doctors remaining lead grappling patient and then disappears. The dead former lead grappler’s sister is eyeballed to stone near the end but appears to have only been pebbleized since she miraculously recovers and appears ready to grapple with the studly FBI agent as the movie ends. One of the FBI agents just plain disappears from the movie about halfway through this mess. The movie is rated R for: brief breastulation, multiple underwear clad damsels in distress, excessive grappling, multiple stoned actors acting woodenly, multiple mummy orthodontia needs, grade B mad scientist, and for the quick recovery from vitrification by the heroine.