Frankenfish

Frankenfish (2004): First there was Frankenstein, and then Bride of Frankenstein followed by many Generic Relatives of Frankenstein, and even a Frankenhooker. We now at last come to the cold blooded branch of the Franken family. The titular fish has no apparent connection to the Steins or Frankens, so the producers probably thought a Franken in the title was a sure way to cash in on a famous name. However, this direct to video schlockfest was better than expected. This flick will get a blood red rating on the gore meter and there is sufficient gratuitous breastulations for this flick to firmly wedge itself into the B-movie arena of honor. This is one mean fishey that will chase you all the way home.

The basic story goes something like this: a New Orleans medical examiner is sent south to the bayou country to investigate an unusual death. One look at the body of the mysterious dead man and you know something strange is going on. The M. E. takes along a shapely scientist to help and runs into an assortment of weird people in the bayous who all live in houseboats. Along the way, instead of finding an alligator, they find a halfigator which should have given them a clue that perhaps they needed a bigger boat. Once in the bayous, this group of fish chum includes a black voodoo queen type who makes great gumbo, her winsome daughter, a macho and well armed Hispanic relative of the recently deceased, a nudist Cajun toker and his blonde wife along with a few other short lived Cajuns. There is also one comic relief character, a whining white guy who almost makes it through to the end. After a few encounters with Mr. Fish, everyone realizes they now have their hands full. When the toker’s head gets bitten off during a fishy airborne attack, things really start to go downhill. At long last a hunter and crew come to the rescue until they turn out to be not so nice guys. Not to worry, they all get eaten too. In the end the hero and heroine survive but the carnage level is high and there were signs of a possible sequel so we can probably look forward to ‘Generic Relative of Frankenfish’ sometime soon. The movie is rated R for: appalling cast mortality, gratuitous breastulations, rampant red bayou water, fish out of water, fish in the shower, fish in the living room, fish hitting the fan, catapulted Cajun, decapitated Cajun, stoned Cajun, stone dead Cajun, naked Cajun, premature victory celebration, exploding propane tank, houseboat sinkage and for the cute little fishies that gobble up the last remaining non-essential cast member.

Madhouse

Madhouse (2004): This fairly well done creeper reminded me a bit of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest but in this case none of the loonies get out to go on a fishing trip, plus a McMurphy type character involuntarily hangs himself and the meds here don’t work worth a dram. There is a Nurse Rachett type character who favors the use of taser therapy but she doesn’t last long either, a victim of a tad too much shock treatment. Lance Hendrickson stars as the loony bin leader with some secrets to hide. The spanking brand new intern starts to find out that all is not what it seems and he may also be seeing ghosts running around the place or possibly going loony himself. The serious loonies are all locked in the basement with fairly shabby security and some may be getting out at night and doing naughty things. Especially the guy in cell 44 who seems to know what is going on at night but talks in riddles to the new intern. Serious cast depopulation doesn’t start until midway through the flick and then gets started with a vengeance. There are enough red herrings thrown in to keep you guessing as to what is really happening until near the end of the movie and the final explanation is at least somewhat logical, rare in these types of movies. With some serious arterial sprays, the movie isn’t short in the grue department. This could be a good rainy week-end rent for mystery thriller fans. The movie is rated R for: head banging loonies, fecal throwing loonies, amputated loonies, transvestite loonies, twin loonies, all wise loonies, nymphomaniacal loonies, head removals, excessive shock therapy, excessive taser application, multiple suspects, multiple jello diners, multiple personalities, and for some serious gum bleeding.

Ravenous

Ravenous (1999) What we have here is a kind of ‘Dances With Wolves’ meets ‘Cannibal Apocalypse’ meets the Donner Party. You don’t see too many horror/western/satires but we have one here and one with an excellent cast including Robert Carlyle, Guy Pearce, Jeremy Davies, and David Arquette. Taking place in 1847, a ‘hero’ (Guy Pearce) of the Mexican War is sent to a remote cavalry post in the western Sierras to help keep track of travelers coming into California. The post is a wart on the frontier’s butt and as unimportant a post as could be imagined. No one ever comes by in the winter months and the staff numbers about 8 including a couple of Native Americans (who help explain what is happening) and who live at the post. Things start to happen when Robert Carlyle staggers into town and spins a tale of terror about his group being trapped in the mountains and resorting to cannibalism in order to survive. The cavalry walks (they only had about two horses at the post) off to investigate and find far worse things in store than the horrors contained in the stranger’s tale.
The photography (shot in Slovakia) is breathtaking and the score is excellent. The movie is a bit of a satire on westerns and horror movies as well as on moral dilemmas (which the hero certainly has). After watching this movie, I suspect we will all be cooking our steaks a bit more than in the past and paying a little more attention to the inspection tag on the package in the market. Ravenous could be an excellent choice for a rental. The movie is rated R for: appalling cast mortality, nekkid Carlyle butt, grue to the max, red snow, literate nutcrackers, and for the number of knife entries into assorted cast members.

Ghost Rig

Ghost Rig (2001): At long last, a relatively scary movie that delivers more than expected. I first thought this would be a run of the mill haunted ‘thing’ movie. You know; haunted house, haunted ship, haunted windmill, haunted sorority house, you name it, it’s been haunted in the movies. This time it’s an abandoned oil rig which is a nice touch since it puts the serviceable cast in extreme isolation. Much like many other movies, things don’t go as expected and cast reduction begins soon after arrival. However, at least these people are not stupid like in so many other movies (well, they ain’t big brains either) and it takes some time to figure out who’s doing what to whom or more correctly, who’s offing whom. While the movie doesn’t explain all the details, they at least make up ‘rules of behavior’ that must be followed and they stay within those guidelines. This makes the plot seem much more logical than it really is. Plenty of suspense is generated and this flick kept my interest all the way through to the ending, which was a bit of a surprise. I didn’t see the ‘surprise’ coming and that is always good in a suspense/horror movie. If you are a horror or suspense buff, this one is for you. This movie is rated R for: glops of unidentifiable gore, dead tree huggers, a desiccated man, a wee much o’ the Scottish accents, tricky circles, and for the high body count.

Neon Maniacs

Neon Maniacs (1986): Run, do not walk out of any video store with this dog on its shelves. Forty five minutes into this mess, I was sure my cabeza was going to do a Krakatoa on me. What we have here is a badly executed zombie story. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why these guys hang around under the Golden Gate Bridge, especially when they dissolve in water! Any smart thinking zombie of this type would have moved to the Mohave Desert years ago. And what’s this Neon Maniac deal? They had no lights of any sort. Ok, I’ll give you the maniac claim but that’s it. There’s no apparent reason for them to exist, they aren’t dead Spaniards, or Indians, or martyred priests or any of the standard excuses for dead maniacs. One of them is even armed with an M-16 rifle and dressed in a military outfit, one fires a crossbow, one has a noose, and one of these guys has only some short pants and stumbles around a lot. Jeeze, what a rotten excuse they are for zombies. This may have been the worst movie I’ve seen of late. Maybe that’s too harsh, I’ve seen some doozies, but it didn’t miss by much. The movie is rate R for: clueless illogic, stumblebum zombies, multiple gore, dimwitted police, and for the lack of any sense at all in explaining anything that happens in the movie.

Arachnia

Arachnia (2003): This movie is sort of homage to 50’s horror flicks. Shot near Rutland, Vt. by people who actually live there, the movie can easily be classified as a 3rd rate horror story. However if you put your tongue firmly in your cheek and try not to look at the plot holes too closely, this could be a rentable film for genre fans. It has a cast containing two dim bulb bimbettes from a local college who must be getting passing grades using talents other than pure brainpower. There is also the studly pilot, a sleazy professor, the professor’s female kick ass Afro-American personal assistant and a comic relief graduate student only slightly higher in brain wattage than the gals. The story goes something like this: Flying to an archaeological dig in Arizona, our troupe of antipasto crash when a meteor causes an explosion that knocks them out of the air. Fortunately for the plot, they land near an old farmhouse and find shelter. Unfortunately, it is also close to an underground nest of giant spiders that have been set loose by the meteoric explosion. They run into the semi-loony owner of the farmhouse, stay the night and then cast depopulation begins in earnest. The special effects are pretty corny and use some stop action effects right out of the 50’s but everyone screams well and acts marginally. As in most 50’s films of this type, the Army comes to the rescue in the nick of time and saves the day……..probably. There were signs there might be a sequel so be careful out there. The movie is rated R for: gratuitous nude bathing in an unheaated house, graduate student torn in half, really stupid girls, poor door alignment, bullet proof spiders, and for the terrible state of higher education as suggested by this film.

Ice Pirates

The Ice Pirates (1984) It looks like the producers of this SF flick tried to make a Star Wars rip off, realized they weren’t going to come anywhere close and decided to go the comedy route to save the picture. The late Robert Urich (in almost every TV series in the 80’s) stars as a genial space pirate with designs on the galaxy’s ice supply and also on the beautiful princess played by Mary Crosby. Don’t look for anything serious or logical in this moderately enjoyable space opera. It seems after a lot of war, the evil ‘Templars’ from the planet Mithra (don’t ask who they are, you won’t find out.) have gained control of the galaxy’s ice and now rule almost everywhere. I’m not sure where all the ice went but hey, we are in a low budget movie here (don’t ask). While robbing said ice from a Templar convoy, they grab the princess but Urich and some of his trusty sidekicks are captured and sent to be neutered by a Rube Goldberg assembly line system. Saved in the nick of time by the Princess, they all take off looking for the 7th world where rumor has it there is a lot of water. The Templars take off in pursuit and they all wind up going through a time warp where everything ages rapidly and sets off some of the funniest scenes in the movie. Filled with screwy battles and reluctant robot warriors, the lead characters all start growing old in minutes while conducting a full scale hand to hand battle with the Templars. Even the robots start to lose nuts and bolts. Fortunately, Urich had a brief dalliance with the princess just before the battle started and all are saved by his son, now fully grown and the only one left physically fit to fight. The Templars are finally defeated or just die off of old age. They then reach the 7th world and click back to normal age. (Don’t ask how.) One of the good things about this movie is the level of detail in the background, there is almost always something going on back there. Populated by all sorts of interesting and whacky robots, from R2 rip offs, to robots that soil themselves from fear of combat (they gush oil); this may be an interesting rent for SF fans. The movie is rated PG for: Amazon warriors, robot warriors, robot cowards, headless robots, bodiless humans, leaking robots, sparking robots, black robots, kung-fu robots, robots with shaky knees, robot pimps, robot parts, cheesy special effects, space herpes, and for the largest gray afro ever seen in all of Hollywood.

Space Truckers

Space Truckers (1998) Somehow, someone convinced Dennis Hopper to star in this semi-low budget SiFi comedy. The premise is that in the future, independent ‘drivers’ will be hauling their giant rigs along the space ways rather than down the hi-ways of today. Hopper plays a veteran driver who gets into trouble with the local trucking company after he delivers a load of square pigs (genetically bred to be square for more efficient shipping) a bit late. If you can watch the square pigs without cracking a smile you should probably pass on this one. If on the other hand, the square pig concept fits with your sense of humor, you could pass an enjoyable 96 minutes with this flick. Along with the trucking problems comes an attempt at a political coup on earth by a large company official, a bunch of violent space pirates, and an unstoppable bunch of evil robots. The funniest line went to the space pirate captain (Charles Dance) after losing his entire lower half during an encounter with the hideous robots, telling how scary they are to the others by saying “If I had an anus, I would have soiled myself.” See I told you, a strange sense of humor is needed to appreciate this movie. The pirate captain (who has a number of replacement mechanical parts after losing some rather important limbs earlier) has a unique way of seducing the ingénue, but we shall not be describing those details in these pages due to our unceasing desire to keep this column firmly entrenched in the family reading category.

Everything works out by the end of the movie and everyone lives happily ever after, just like in the fairy tales. Space Truckers is rather enjoyable for SiFi fans but may not be for everyone. Dennis Hopper apparently didn’t get paid a whole lot because he doesn’t act a whole lot, but Hopper sleepwalking through a role is better than most B movie actors can do on their best day. The movie is rated PG-13 for: traditional B movie violence, a zero-G strip scene, excessive laser fire, mechanical privates, poor starter motors, and for the sucking of George Wendt (Norm of Cheers) out a window.

Daddy and Them

Daddy and Them (2001) Can you spell dysfunctional? It’ll come in handy if you try to describe the characters in this movie to anyone. What we have here is a flick written, directed, and starring Billy Bob Thornton and he is up to his southern white trash best in this one. If you like movies that make our southern landscape appear populated with weird dimbulb dysfunctional people, this one’s for you. It has a great cast including Laura Dern (Billy Bob’s wife), Diane Ladd (Billy Bob’s mother in law), Andy Griffith (Billy Bob’s somewhat demented dad), Ben Affleck (a lawyer), Jamie Lee Curtis (a lawyer from Canada), John Prine (Billy Bob’s brother), Jim Varney (Billy Bob’s other brother) and Kelly Preston (Billy Bob’s sister in law).

The somewhat complicated story goes something like this. Jim Varney gets arrested in Arkansas for a felony with intent to murder so B-bob and wife who are constantly arguing about just about everything pack up and head for his old homestead to help out. Mother and sister in law (who B-bob used to know in a biblical way) decide to tag along. Once this gang of loonies gets together, it is a study in non-communication and poor conflict resolution. Full of dark humor and poking fun and just about everything, it is a real treat if you don’t mind a lot of oath hurling. The word firetruck is used extensively by just about everyone in the cast (well, I’ve put in some extra letters since this is a family newspaper but you get my drift). While taking a pretty jaundiced view of life in the South and particularly of dysfunctional alcoholic rednecks, the movie winds up with a really sweet ending and I enjoyed it. This one gets a space on my DVD rack. The movie comes with an excellent score and the DVD has an extra with B-bob reprising his Carl character from ‘Sling Blade’ and breaking up the cast. The movie was actually made before ‘Sling Blade’ but did not get released until after it became a hit. The movie is rated R for: excessive oath hurling, rampant senility, cramped sleeping quarters, alcoholic hazes, and for the large piles of white trash seen everywhere.

Love Object

Love Object (2004) Bring an extra can of Creep Repellant when you rent this one and be sure to thoroughly spray the room after you finish watching. It is about a computer industry uber-nerd who writes instructions for new programs, you know, the booklets you never read when using new software. He always arrives before the office opens and leaves late and he has no social life. One day, he gets to work with a very cute assistant to finish a big job in a short time and soon goes off the deep end.

He has a creepy landlord (Udo Keir) and a creepy boss (Rip Torn) in addition to being a bit creepy himself. He sees an ad for a life like doll and orders it. Pretty soon he is taking instructions from the doll that starts to get jealous about his growing relationship with his assistant. He starts dressing the doll to look like his assistant and things then get really creepy and go steeply downhill for just about everyone in the cast.

My main creep factor here is that I actually know people like this…..well maybe not quite this bad but if you work with computers, you’ve met this guy. You know the type, very technical, intelligent, slightly repressed, no social life, drools a lot and not good with the opposite sex. The movie has a bit of a surprise ending and can be considered a pretty classy B-movie about a pretty sordid subject. The movie is rated R for: anatomically correct dolls, anatomically correct humans, doll dismemberment, human dismemberment, bondage themes, hammer violence, dumb police, and for the general all around creepiness generated by this flick.

King of the Ants

King of the Ants (2003) This one is from director Stuart Gordon. Gordon did the cult horror classic ‘Reanimator’ which set the standard for horror movies having over the top violence and gore back in the 80’s. He’s back and he has brought all his blood bags with him. However, this is not your standard horror movie and all the protagonists are normal humans….well…..perhaps normal is not the correct word but you get my drift, no zombies here. This is the story of a somewhat dim but likable schmuck who gets mixed up with some very bad characters.

Several fairly well known actors including George Wendt (Cheers) and Daniel Baldwin populate the flick. The lead, Chris McKenna, does an excellent job of playing an innocent who eventually becomes an out of touch with reality, murderous force. Even though he is a murderer, you are still rooting for him at the end of the movie. Of course after you see what he goes through in this movie, it is difficult not to have some sympathy even for a morally compromised person such as him. The IQ reduction scene is particularly difficult to sit through and the movie takes several unusual turns and has several more stomach churning scenes and blunt trauma injuries. This is a pretty good rent for those with a strong stomach and an eye for the unusual in their movies. The movie is rated R for; several aardvarking scenes, multiple orbulation and bumulation, excessive ultra-violence, gross misuse of a sledgehammer, murderous refrigerators, spinal cord injuries, multiple concussions, a gas attack, a gasoline attack and a game misconduct for unsportsmanlike use of a 3 wood.

Learning Curve

Learning Curve (1998) This flick could be one of many high school teachers’ favorite movies. From the coming attractions, this appeared to be a standard horror/slasher movie about high school students being kidnapped by a loony teacher. It turns out to be somewhat of a wry satire on today’s educational system and one person’s solution to the problem, not a horror movie at all. Directed by Andy Anderson and shot in and around Weatherford, Texas, it portrays a high school where the students have more power than the teachers, administrators are primarily concerned about keeping things quiet (education being low on their priority list), books are unavailable due to an oversight committee‘s complaints about all the textbooks, and teachers frequently get assaulted and then sued by the students doing the assaulting.

Into this madhouse of a system comes a substitute teacher who may be certifiably mad. The teacher he is replacing dies from a heart attack and he winds up as a permanent temporary teacher. He develops a plan to take his class of unruly students on a bit of a crash course in college prep. This includes kidnapping, electrocution, imprisonment and other unusual but effective non-standard teaching aids. Listening to the director’s commentary on the DVD, he claims that the teacher’s guidance program shown in the movie is actually a real program used in Texas. In that program teachers were warned that making eye contact for more than ‘x’ times per period with a student of the opposite sex could be considered sexual harassment. However, making eye contact with that same student less than ‘y’ times per period could be considered prosecutable as student neglect. Jeeze, no wonder education appears to be in such a sorry state. The best line went to the loony teacher lecturing his captives about their net worth: “You’re less interesting than a fever blister.” The movie is rated R for: naked student body, excessive oath hurling, electrical conduction via organic salt solution, bad propane tanks, and for the general sorry state of public education as suggested by this flick.