The Tapehead Reviews (New Reviews Located Below)

The Tapehead Reviews is a place where you can learn about strange and unusual movies that most ‘normal’ people will not have heard about. The downside of this is that if you have heard of these flicks you may not be normal either. But, if you are tired of the run of the mill, boring, mind numbing, dumbed down, Hollywood over-hyped multiplexed fare, take a look at some of the flicks discussed here. Maybe you just might find a gem in the trash bin. Most are available for rental at the normal places and via mail service. Beware; the Tapehead has an unhealthy interest in SiFi and Horror themes and favors movies with flying bullets, multiple assorted sharp implements and baseball bats used in unsavory ways. Above all, keep your tongue firmly placed in your cheek and don’t take anything here too seriously. Remember, book readers are called 'Bookworms' but 'Tapeworm' for a home movie viewer sounded just too awful so I became 'The Tapehead'.

Rating System

Must See DVDS: These movies are highly recommended, especially for those with similar personality disorders to the Tapehead.

Average or Less: You can’t excel if you are average but on the other hand,there are far worse places to be. These missed the gold ring on the carousel of reel life; however they can be quite enjoyable for the average deranged viewer.

Cool Movies (They’re not so hot): These missed most of the boat but did catch a glimpse of it before descending into the dank depths of damnified DVDs. They are generally watchable if the theme or a particular thespian or director is of interest or there is sufficient sex and violence to keep you watching.

Barking Dogs: Don’t even think about it unless you have relatives you want to get out of the house by playing these and forcing them to watch.

Pig Hunt

Pig Hunt (2008): This title can lead to all kinds of misinterpretation about the movie’s subject. However, suffice it to say that the movie really does start out with a bunch of guys (and one girlfriend) going into the wilds of Northern California to hunt wild boar. In the end, it may be the boars that do most of the hunting but a hunting you will go. The movie contains an eclectic mix of a multicultural group of city folks meeting some hillbillies left over from Deliverance and both groups mixing it up with a hippie commune growing slightly illegal crops in the mountains. Throw in a 3,000 pound mildly irritated boar and you have an interesting mix for a horror movie. The hunters are an unusual group with a locally raised bow hunter, a porky guy who has never been camping, a black guy armed with a .44 magnum pistol, and a girlfriend who may be the best hunter of them all. The hillbilly rednecks are a hoot and probably the best characters in the flick. While not a classic, this one should keep most fans interested and it throws in a few plot twists not normally associated with a big ‘thing’ movie. Filmed on a relatively low budget and using a cast of local actors, the film looks better than its budget and the acting is not bad. The movie stomped an R for: a really big porky, a pool full of naked hippie gals, a massive field of ‘medical’ marijuana, a free enterprise commune, multiple bong use, multiple crushed hunters, missing hands, fingers, etc., enraged rednecks, dead rednecks, enraged city folk, dead city folk, enraged hippies, dead hippies, and for the enraged and soon to be dead porkers.

Moon

Moon (2009): This is a reasonably well done, though a bit slow moving, independent science fiction flick with a tour de force performance by Sam Rockwell. The premise of the tale is that a hydrogen 3 source on the moon has ended the energy crisis and is providing clean unlimited power to the Earth. The mining operation is being run by a private corporation (you know, those evil capitalists again) who keep costs down by having the whole mining operation run by one guy who overlooks the harvesters (kind of like robotic strip miners) and who regularly ships the power source back to Earth. Each miner has a three year contract to run the place and has a robot/computer for company. Sam has an accident while nearing the end of his contract and strange things start to happen. He is supposed to be alone but another Sam shows up and the two get into arguments about who is who and what is what. The company sends a rescue ship, the computer/robot acts a little strange and Sam 1 starts to get very sick. The rest of the movie is about solving the mystery and motives of everyone and everything. The movie borrows a little from 2001, Silent Running, Blade Runner and others but these are good movies to borrow from. Overall, this should please most SiFi fans. The full Moon is rated a new Moon R for: Rockwell buns, massive stripping (well, of the Moon that is), red regurgitation, sending in the clones, excessive cloning around, massive ping pong gravity error, lack of driver training on the moon, and for the nasty return shuttle for the workers.

The Substitute

The Substitute (2007): Here is a superior Danish film that, much like the excellent Swedish film “Let the Right One In’, looks at its subject matter from a child’s perspective. The film deals with a class full of junior high types who are having serious problems involving a most unusual substitute teacher brilliantly played by an actress named Paprika Steen. If the nomenclature in this movie isn’t strange enough, her character’s name is Ulla Harm, quite appropriate as it turns out. The class is convinced she is up to no good and tries to get their parents to get rid of her, but she charms them all and has the minister of education visit the school to underwrite his support for her methods. As usual for these types of films, the kids are correct but all get railroaded into taking a bus trip to Paris with the sub, from which they don’t expect to return. The suspense builds and there is also quite a bit of humor in this film. Those expecting a gore fest will be disappointed as this is not a typical horror or suspense film. It is almost an adult children’s movie or possibly can be considered a modern fairy tale. While not original, it should be enjoyable for most folks out there. I recommend watching it with the original Danish soundtrack and English subtitles to get the full joy of Ms. Steen’s turn as the sub. She can change from sweet talk to cajoling to insulting, to threatening or yelling and back to innocent requesting in just a few seconds to get the kids into the shape she wants them. The movie substitutes an R rating for: multiple chickens, chicken eating, feathers flying, abrupt bus stopping, mind reading, bullet proof faculty, shrinking psychologist, Danish oath hurling, and especially for the metallic minister of education.

Mosquitoman

Mosquitoman (2004): Also marketed as just plain Mosquito, this Buglaria shot film about bugs reminded me a bit of those old ‘The Fly’ movies. In those flicks, Jeff Goldblum or Vincent Price, pick your version; slowly convert into a large fly with antisocial tendencies. In these days of short attention spans, Mosquitoman does all that in about 5 minutes and the rest of the movie has the oversized bug pillaging blood from a large fraction of a cities population, eliminating a large part of the local constabulary and searching for a Mosquitowoman to mate with. Now, unless I’m mistaken about mosquitoes, only the females bite so Mosquitoman has a giant technical flaw because this male has a large capacity for the sucking of the blood. In fact, he makes most vampires seem like Vegans by comparison. He also is never seen rubbing his hind legs together as I believe the little critters around here do on occasion but maybe I’m just being picky.
The movie has the usual money grubbing businessman, cops who don’t appear very effective, monsters with a large appetite, and scientists messing with the wrong DNA groups. While not a really good movie, its blood flinging levels should interest the average gore hound out there. The movie transfused an R for: massive blood sucking, massive blood splatter, massive bullet proofed bug, lack of DDT when you really need it, one mutating ingénue, one biting ingénue, one horny skeeter, and for the elimination of most of the police force by one slightly large bullet proof bug.

Pandorum

Pandorum (2009): Here is a somewhat big budget SiFi/action/suspense movie from Germany that while not perfect, does push many of the right buttons for an entertaining evening. Pandorum is the name for a condition caused by spending too much time in the loneliness of deep space which causes the sufferer to become wildly paranoid and dangerous. While it plays a part in the plot, there are bigger and more dangerous fish to fry in this pot boiler. The plot borrows liberally from many SF movies of the past but manages to tie them together into a reasonably coherent plot. It seems in the distant future, Earth has about run out of resources and has built a space ark of sorts to ferry a large population of humans to a new planet found many light years away. The ship is huge and most of the passengers are in a deep sleep condition to allow them to survive the centuries’ long voyage. Part of the crew is awakened to find that things are not as they are supposed to be and there are ‘things’ running around the ship eating the sleeping population. Not only that, but the main power source is not working right and may blow up at any time. The few folks awake must save the ship, avoid being eaten, and figure out what the heck went wrong. This does present a few very tense moments and should keep SF fans happy most of the time. While there are a few plot holes, over all, not a bad effort. The movie is rated R for: multiple heavy metal garbed roving cannibals, claustrophobia, unhelpful boots, rampant paranoia, rampant pandorum, and for the big finale ‘let’s take a walk on the sleeping cannibals’ scene.

Rogue

Rogue (2007): I had avoided renting this ‘big croc’ movie because I had seen so many like it before, but others gave it good reviews and I decided to invest an hour or two with yet another large reptile. What I found was a very well done big critter movie with some of the most beautiful scenery ever seen in a horror movie. The story takes place in northern Australia in a tour boat going up a tidal river in the outback filled with large saltwater crocodiles. The idyllic trip up the river shows incredibly beautiful scenery with beautiful background music (called ‘River Suite’) that contrasts sharply with what lurks in the muck below. While the movie has some standard ‘big thing’ qualities to it, the cast does well and is headed by Aussie ingénue Radha Mitchell, veteran of ‘Pitch Black’ and ‘Surrogates’. Cast mortality is naturally quite high and Mr. Salty seems to have a large appetite and is just a mite territorial to boot. The story is based on a true incident that occurred back in the 70’s when one of these monsters actually attacked a boat by biting the outboard, twisting the boat over and sinking it. Tension runs high as the survivors have to figure out how to stay alive until help arrives and this doesn’t turn out to be a simple thing to do. Overall, the movie is a better than average large killer reptile tale of terror. The movie is unrated but should bite off an R for: continuous fly swatting, partially chewed boat, partially chewed Radha, fully chewed tourists, serious need for a bigger boat, unsuccessful rope climbing, sinking islands, croc on a stick, and for the fate of the beer swilling locals who eventually try to help.

Infestation

Infestation (2009): Well, first it was “Infested” and then came “Infestation”. The important difference here is that Infested was about a lot of little bugs while Infestation has large numbers of large bugs. The cover art warns you not to take it too seriously with the tag line “Prepare for Global Swarming”. This one is a tongue in cheek, campy story about what happens to an underachieving office nerd who wakes up in a cocoon and has to fight off large bugs intent on taking over the world. Everyone in the area is cocooned and his small band of survivors must save the world. Now this less than choice group of strangers is burdened with many of the typical stereotypes found in big bug movies. And this is one of the most argumentative groups to ever task themselves with combating incalculable numbers of large stinging, running, jumping and flying buggers. Cast mortality is quite high and the bugs prove to be a hardy lot. What set this movie apart from the run of the mill bug movie were its witty dialogue, good character interactions, and liberal use of humor. The ending scene shows a sign of signaling a sequel but a second serving certainly seems sorely missing so far. Overall, this was an above average “B” movie that shows what can be done with decent actors, a modest budget, and good writing, even if it was shot in Buglaria. The movie bugged out an R for: naked weather girl, excessive barfing ‘o’ the green, excessive buggery, excessive arguing, excessive dad’s ego, milking the bug, non-electric deadly hybrids and for the very flammable bug juice.

Wristcutters: A Love Story

Wristcutters: A Love Story (2006): Suppose, if you will, that when you commit suicide, rather than going to purgatory, heaven, hell or someplace else, you wind up in a land very similar to your past but just a bit off center and a bit worse than where you were. That is the premise of this rather unusual and somewhat pixilated movie. Our lead has offed himself over a girl and winds up in a low paying job at Kamikaze Pizza in a shabby world inhabited by other suicides; everything here is run down, drab, dust covered and unsightly. New subdivisions with neat lawns and well painted homes just don’t seem to exist here. Soon he learns that his ex-squeeze has also offed herself and sets out on a journey to find her. The rest becomes a road movie involving a weird Russian (brilliantly played by Shea Wiggam), a hitchhiker who claims she got there by mistake and is looking for “the people in charge”, a messiah, and a bizarre holiday camp. In this weird semi-world, miracles happen often but only when they are not very important, parties are all boring, disappointment is always just around the corner and no one can smile. Suicide is often contemplated but most are afraid the next life will be even worse. The movie is actually a treatise on knowing what you really want in life and knowing what has true value.
While definitely off center, the movie comes up with a few life lessons and actually has a happy ending. Making a comedy about suicide is difficult but this movie has hit most of the right notes and speaking of notes, a fellow reviewer noted all the musicians in the background music had offed themselves. The movie is rated R for; floating matches, suicidal Russians, dented cars, excessive trash and dust, and for the “people in charge”.

Dark Rising

Dark Rising (2007): Here is a pretty low budget feature with a nebulous plot, average acting, and rather bland characters; but for some reason I rather enjoyed watching this one. I guess the sum of the parts was greater than the whole or something like that. The story goes something like this; hotly guy goes on a camping trip with ex-girlfriend and her girlfriend and his guy friend and one other brainier, though still hotly young lady. They take great pains to show you that his ex has switched sides and is now firmly entrenched in the les-bonean camp. They even show an all gal grappling session early in the movie in order to point out this fact to the slow learners in the audience. Meanwhile our semi-studly hero can’t see the writing on the wall and continues swooning over his ex. The shapely but still brainy gal has a book with words that should not be spoken but are which opens a portal to another dimension where upon a monster steps through and starts murder and mayhem. But wait, a beautiful lass wearing a metallic winged headdress and little else saves the day by wielding a mean battle axe and injuring the beast. It turns out she was sucked into the other dimension as a little girl when her father read from the same book and learned the hard way how to fight the creatures. Apparently, her sewing skills did not pass beyond the bikini design stage in the other dimension but this was probably a good thing for the male portion of the audience.
The group now has to figure a way to get the monster sucked back into his dimension since he cannot be killed here on Earth. You must not think about the details of this plot too much because it will make little sense and cause your head to ache, but the cast is all good looking and the princess warrior looks just great in her battle outfit so who really cares if it makes much sense. Ok, I cut this flick far more slack than I should have, but it just grew on me, kind of like a tumor. If you put your mind in neutral, you may enjoy this low budget effort. The movie was unrated but would probably pull an R out of the other dimension for: gratuitous les-bean grappling, multiple orbulations, hotly warrior princess, ugly monster, punctured les-beans, and for excessive battle axing and blood flinging.

Eden Lake

Eden Lake (2008): This is a superior study in terror. While there are no zombies or vampires causing destruction, the most dangerous thing here are young teens led by a rather psychopathic leader. A young couple goes on holiday at an old quarry soon to be converted into a luxury gated community. The local motley group of 12-14 year olds interrupts their idyllic campsite and conflict soon erupts. What starts out as typical teen age wise guy behavior soon escalates into downright terror as the teens’ dog is inadvertently killed by the man during a confrontation. As things go from harassment to felony and beyond, you keep asking yourself, how the heck could things get this bad and then it gets worse. A good set of characters inhabit this quality B feature and you will find yourself having a hard time turning away, a sign of a very good movie. What these people go through to get to the end of the movie is pretty amazing, even for a jaded viewer like the Tapehead. If you are looking for one of the better made B movies this is a good one to choose. The movie is rated R for: bikini viewing, car theft, car crash, car death, annoying dog poop, burning Indian, burning tourist, burning desire for revenge, slime encrusted ingénue, multiple slitting of various body sections, razor knife to the mouth, spike through the foot, and especially for the barbwire wrap that starts the really bad parts.

Outlander

Outlander (2008): This is a bit of an unusual movie blending the effect of an alien space man (Jim Caviezel) crash landing in Norway in the 700’s, with the origins of some of the Viking mythology. He also has a terrible monster (a Moorwin) on board which escapes and he must kill the beast or it will annihilate the local Norse population. Naturally, he has lost all his weapons and has only his cunning to fight with. The story also shows a bit of his history and information about the Moorwin that puts Mr. Spaceman in a not so favorable light, unusual for these types of movies. It also poses a good explanation about why he has no language barrier and suggests that the earth was actually an abandoned seed colony of the space men. He must also win the trust of the local Vikings as well as keep them from killing each other before the Moorwin can be dealt with effectively. The movie has excellent photography and score and even has some well known actors hiding behind their Norse furs and beards. This is a most unusual take on the Viking genre suggesting the origins of the dragon myth and is a pretty well done action movie. The movie is rated R for: unrelenting violence, head removal, leg removal, multiple blunt traumas, glowing beastie, fiery beastie, fast beastie, deadly beastie, extra mini me beastie, and for the major enhancement to Viking metallurgy courtesy of the outlander.

The Midnight Meat Train

The Midnight Meat Train (2008): First, let me say there is no similarity between the fine thriller “The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3” and this similarly underground themed movie that also takes place in subway land. While this is also a thriller, the amount of gore depicted in “Midnight” exceeds what is shown in both versions of Pelham 1-2-3 combined by about 100 to 1. This is a movie that rally makes your local transit system look very safe. The unlikely and in some cases impossible events depicted are at least somewhat logically (if you can call anything logical in a horror movie) explained by the end of the flick. When Mr. Meatman attacks a victim, he isn’t neat about it and the subway car is seriously covered in red garnish by the time he is through. I couldn’t figure out how someone in the transit authority wouldn’t have found a bit of excess goo once in a while but at least they do come up with an explanation and to be fair, he does exhibit some of the behavior of a neatness freak after the bludgeoning is finished with.

Most of the action takes place in the subway system of a large generic city where people seem to have a habit of disappearing without a trace. The police don’t seem too concerned since people disappear all the time in this city. Well, that was another bit that was a little hard to swallow but if you can give them a pass on that one you will still enjoy the flow of the plot as well as the flow of the bodily fluids that follow.

A photographer looking for his big break by taking photos of the grit and underbelly of the city stumbles upon a fellow who he thinks may be a serial killer. The movie seems to borrow a lot from the old Antonioni film “Blow Up” where searching for details in a photo may provide clues to the crimes and help prove that a crime actually occurred. Rather than going to the police who didn’t appear very interested in his first attempt at communication, he decides to investigate for himself and gets into really big trouble. The movie escalates into appalling cast mortality and massive blood flinging as the photographer gets closer and closer to the truth which eventually bites him. The ending was a bit unexpected but did help to clear up the many seeming improbabilities with just one big improbable explanation. Overall, “Meat” is a pretty good thriller which contains enough splatter to keep fans of that genre satisfied. The movie was unrated but would probably bleed an R for: massive blunt trauma, hammer to the head, hammer to the knee, hammer to the nose, knife to the same areas, eyeball hitting the camera, lots of hanging around in a subway car, red subway cars, warts in the chest, warts in the cabinet, tongue eating, and for the very hungry group found in the tunnels.

Let the Right One In

Let the Right One In (2008): The land of Ingmar Bergman has once again exported a well done genre movie about creatures of the night (see ‘Frostbitten’ review). This superior effort is seen from the viewpoint of a twelve year old boy and his problems with school bullies and his new neighbor that just moved into the apartment next store. He meets a twelve year old girl in the square of his apartment house and the two ‘rejects’ from society form an immediate bond. As the movie progresses, both children have to deal with their personal problems without much help from the adults at home and school. In fact, the adults in the film seem to inhabit a world separate from the kids, interfacing with the kids only on occasion. As their relationship grows, we see that the little girl isn’t only odd but dangerous. As people start to die in the neighborhood, the boy’s problems with bullies continue to get worse. The story is neatly wrapped up by the end and is well done and quite a change from normal fare. I would hazard a guess that this movie might find favor with normal people as well as those of us with eccentric tastes. (You know who you are.) The movie was rated R for: brief nudity, lots of white snow, some yellow snow, really lots of red snow, neck biting, hanging upside down, acid to the face, deadly swimming pool activities, and for incendiary vampires in the sun.

Splinter

Splinter (2008): Once again, a low budget independent movie, shot in Oklahoma of all places, outdoes Hollywood in producing a gripping tale of terror with a cast of relative unknowns. While the plot has been done many times before, the quality of the telling frequently is more important than the tale itself. And this one is well told and pretty flippin scary too. Two couples come together during a carjacking. The jackees are threatened with guns, beatings, and tire changing. The jackers are running from the law and one is withdrawing from controlled substances and not too rational but well armed. As the movie progresses, all of them have to work together to survive their encounter with a spiny creature that may not kill you right away but will use your parts for food until finally you are absorbed. The movie gives its characters a chance to develop and you will find yourself caring about the survivors. The battle is not about firepower but about brainpower and that is what makes this movie stand out from many of Hollywood’s digital spectaculars that are peopled with drones rather than characters. In this movie, the humans are clearly overmatched and must use their brain wattage to figure out how to deal with the spiny fungus or mold or whatever the heck it was. The flick reminded me just a little bit of the original “The Thing” made in the 50’s. Both have a small group of people isolated from the rest of the world in a battle to the death with an unknown creature. This is a superior suspense/horror effort and highly recommended. The movie is rated R for: excessive screaming, pistol whipping, shot gunning, elbow bending, wrist wringing, finger walking, trooper halving, head used as a battering ram, fungus among us, and for the amputation sans drugs.

Scourge

Scourge (2008): If you have seen the movie “The Hidden”, you have seen the best movie of this genre but to be fair, this is not a bad little thriller. It seems an ancient evil is released when a local church burns down. Something gets into one of the firemen and soon he has a large appetite and lots of gas to pass. He starts bleeding from the eyes and staggering, clearly something is wrong with him. He attacks his recent squeeze and a ‘thing’ exits his mouth and penetrates into her and the cycle starts to repeat. The thing seems to have a preference to enter though the navel so all the gals with bare midriffs are at risk. The police think there is a murderer running around and naturally they have the wrong man in their sights. The two leads that learn what is really happening have a hard time convincing anyone about what they have seen. This is one of the strong points of the move as desperation starts to build when they learn it can start reproducing after it consumes a certain number of people. The police start to get a clue after they see their infected chief take 14 rounds to the chest, three hits from a car, and be at the center of a large explosion before going down for the count.

While there are some typical low budget fluffs like the blood on the hero’s face going from heavy to light and back again, they do a pretty fair job overall and the ‘monster’ is well done. While similar to “The Hidden” and the remake of “The Thing” which had visitors from space as the protagonists, this movie is a bit less specific bringing in a religious group of ‘thing’ hunters and also showing ancient publications indicating these things have been around for quite some time. The movie passed an R rating for: massive gas passing, massive burping and other methods of bodily gas removal, skin peeling, multiple ladies with bare midriffs, massively fat victim, navel fixation, excessive bloodletting, and for the flapping loose jaw on victim number 3.

Teeth

Teeth (2006): Most men are going to get a queasy feeling watching this flick while women may enjoy the situations depicted. Described as a provocative feminist horror movie, this tongue in cheek effort is more a set of multiple metaphors about the problems of coming of age for today’s stress filled teens. Our heroine is a star in the local town’s ‘abstain from sex’ program but she feels there may be something wrong with her. She is a buttoned down most proper teen with a heavy metal sex crazy older step brother (John Hensley of Nip Tuck fame) living next to a nuclear power plant. She becomes attracted to one of the other members of the group and repressed embers start to spark. When they swim to a remote cave, the boy gets a bit aggressive and…well, let’s just say, soon he isn’t half the man he thought he was. The poor lad tries to swim back but doesn’t make it. The gal is horrified and doesn’t know what happened since the sex education class in school has all pictures of the naughty bits blacked out so no one can see them. The funniest part of the film occurs when she goes to a doctor to have a physical and all is revealed along with additional loss of body parts. It seems she has a condition known as vagina dentata (look it up) which profoundly affects her sex life. The poor gal is terrified and soon several other guys are trying to comfort her with additional negative consequences. Her mom soon dies of cancer and her whole world seems to be collapsing around her. Her step brother has evil designs on her and the film’s conclusion shows her growing up and adjusting to her new found talent. The cast does an outstanding job and the lead ingénue is excellent as an innocent with a lot of extra teenage problems to overcome. The movie is rated R for: multiple breastulations, multiple finger and other extremity losses, gushing blood, screaming guys, screaming gals, screaming doctors, multiple conditions for which the blue pill will not help, and especially for the dog quietly snacking on a removed naughty bit.

The Cottage

The Cottage (2008): It seems the horror comedy field has become a cottage industry with films seemingly coming out of the woodwork in this genre and The Cottage appears to fit into this category as well. While The Cottage didn’t exactly come out of the woodwork, it seems rather to have come out of the Isle of Man, an unusual source to be sure. In the film, a pair of unusually inept crooks (they’re related so it must be in the genes) kidnap a nasty crime boss’ daughter in order to get enough money to get one brother out of the house so they can each live in their own digs. One is a veteran though lower echelon criminal, while his brother doesn’t usually get involved with the inner workings of the syndicate. In league with the equally dim step brother of the victim, the three truly mess up ‘the perfect crime’. The nasty boss sends the son with the ransom which turns out to be tissue paper and also sends his two favorite Korean hit men to follow and straighten everyone out, or more likely, plant them. However, the victim gets the upper hand and knocks out her step brother while one brother is making another call for more ransom in the local town. She then kidnaps the third kidnapper and forces him into the woods to make a break for it. Needless to say, they all wind up at a farmhouse with a most unpleasant resident who doesn’t take kindly to trespassers and is quite fond of using sharp farming implements. So what started out as a crime farce quickly lurches into a splatter comedy with multiple removals of bodily parts for just about everyone. However, the spirit of the film is set about right and quite a few guilty chuckles can be had for the intestinally hardy. The movie is unrated but would probably slash an R for: excessive brothers, ineffective Koreans, multiple head removals, multiple toe removals, pick in the leg, knife in the side, turkey in the straw, and for the extremely effective head butting by the ingénue.

Otis

Otis (2008): The ‘torture-porn’ genre of movies (see Hostel, Saw, and similars) has seen a large number of entries lately and naturally what must follow is a satire based on that genre. Enter Otis, a portly, partially pixilated, paranoid pizza delivery man with a penchant for perusing, partaking of and then permanently planting high school girls. Not only does Otis deliver large pizzas but is pretty large himself. He takes his prey to a locked room and talks to them until they are totally frustrated by his idiosyncrasies and they agree to do what he wants or they get chopped into smaller parts. The film is populated by parents with a tendency to take the law into their own hands, inept police, the worst FBI profiler in history, and a news media that appears to be trying to suck as much emotion out of the situation rather than just reporting the news. Once the ingénue escapes, the parents and her wastrel brother decide to punish the serial killer themselves and off the logical plain go the story. The movie sticks some sharp pins into the modern world as well as in the genre it is satirizing. The actor playing the lead felon, Otis, does an outstanding job and the cast as a whole gives it a good go. The movie is not rated but would probably kidnap and R for: cheerleader cutting, cheerleader electrocution, apathetic cheerleading, prom from hell, shovel to the head, five iron to the same head, blowtorch to the throat, toes in a blender, and especially for the unhelpful sympathetic utterances by the FBI profiler.

Asylum

Asylum (2007): This movie has been done before but then, haven’t most stories been told over and over again. The key to success is to be sure you mask the hoary age of your tale so it looks new. Alas, while the movie is professionally done and the acting is reasonably good, the movie gives you the feeling you’ve seen it all before. At least it takes the time for some character development so the victims have a little background explained before they expire. The story goes something like this: a group of students arriving at a small college are sentenced to stay in the partially completed ‘new’ dorm which was formerly run as an insane asylum. At this point déjà vuism cuts in immediately. It turns out each of the main characters is full of angst about their life and all harbor mental secrets. Our lead ingénue saw her nutzoid father kill himself and her older brother killed himself at this same college. And she wanted to get her higher education here? (Maybe she really is nuts too.)
Well, it seems she wanted to go to school here to help her get closure. Give me a break, everyone wants closure today. What the heck does that mean anyway? I know we have had closure of several restaurants in the area but that hasn’t helped the quality of life very much.
Sorry, I got off topic. She starts to meet some stereotypical college friends, has neurotic episodes where the necklace her mom gave tries to strangle her, and her shower fills up with water and she almost drowns. When her roommate hears her screaming, she is sitting at the bottom of the shower with the water running. At this point we, as well as she, suspect she may be nutzoid like her dear old dad. All we can do at this point is give thanks to the director for the extended nude shower scene.
Soon her friends are disappearing one by one and the campus police seem to be good only for standing around and telling everyone to stay calm. The old janitor who was a former patient tells them the tale about the evil doctor who felt lobotomy by driving spikes through your eyelids and into your brain was the answer to mental illness. Soon the movie deteriorates into the reincarnated doctor chasing the remaining students around the building. Not bad as far as these types of movies go but as I said, you will get a heavy portion of déjà vu while watching. The movie spiked an R for: underwater nude shower scene, multiple lobotomies, spikes to the eye, spikes to the heart, spikes to just about every part of the body imaginable, death by twine, barbed wire wrap, and especially for the de-souling of the villain.

The Cook

The Cook (2008): Ok gang, here is another sorority house massacre where the gals seem to cut classes and successfully resist all attempts at higher education. However, studying doesn’t seem to help much because the one brainy ingénue buys the farm too. For about the first hour of this doggie, only one killing occurs which our dim bulbs seem not to notice and they even unwittingly have her for lunch as a Sloppy Joe. During that long hour, the girls launch more F-bombs per minute than a platoon of drunken marines. What a potty mouthed group! The action finally starts up well into the last 1/3 of the film when the hungry cook (called that because he is from Hungary) proceeds to rapidly slaughter the rest of the lassies to insure meeting the time limit of this epic. I am convinced he was fully justified after having to listen to them talk for the first hour. The cook was somewhat interesting and well played for laughs by Mark Hengst. The gals were clearly only there to be killed and were about the dumbest group of people posing as college students that I’ve seen in a long while. And of course, the conservative religious student converts to the lesbonian side of the aisle shortly before meeting her maker. This one tried to be a splatter comedy but missed and was just not very good. The best parts of the movie were the clips shown during the closing titles. The movie was unrated but would probably gouge out an R for: multiple breastulations and bumulations, nuclear F-Bombing, appalling cast mortality, appallingly low entrance standards for college, involuntary cannibalism, rampant lesbonianism, rampant S&M, rampant thighs, rampant stab wounds, and especially for the extra tasty Sloppy Joes made with the other white meat and I don’t mean possum.