Teeth

Teeth (2006): Most men are going to get a queasy feeling watching this flick while women may enjoy the situations depicted. Described as a provocative feminist horror movie, this tongue in cheek effort is more a set of multiple metaphors about the problems of coming of age for today’s stress filled teens. Our heroine is a star in the local town’s ‘abstain from sex’ program but she feels there may be something wrong with her. She is a buttoned down most proper teen with a heavy metal sex crazy older step brother (John Hensley of Nip Tuck fame) living next to a nuclear power plant. She becomes attracted to one of the other members of the group and repressed embers start to spark. When they swim to a remote cave, the boy gets a bit aggressive and…well, let’s just say, soon he isn’t half the man he thought he was. The poor lad tries to swim back but doesn’t make it. The gal is horrified and doesn’t know what happened since the sex education class in school has all pictures of the naughty bits blacked out so no one can see them. The funniest part of the film occurs when she goes to a doctor to have a physical and all is revealed along with additional loss of body parts. It seems she has a condition known as vagina dentata (look it up) which profoundly affects her sex life. The poor gal is terrified and soon several other guys are trying to comfort her with additional negative consequences. Her mom soon dies of cancer and her whole world seems to be collapsing around her. Her step brother has evil designs on her and the film’s conclusion shows her growing up and adjusting to her new found talent. The cast does an outstanding job and the lead ingénue is excellent as an innocent with a lot of extra teenage problems to overcome. The movie is rated R for: multiple breastulations, multiple finger and other extremity losses, gushing blood, screaming guys, screaming gals, screaming doctors, multiple conditions for which the blue pill will not help, and especially for the dog quietly snacking on a removed naughty bit.