The Cook

The Cook (2008): Ok gang, here is another sorority house massacre where the gals seem to cut classes and successfully resist all attempts at higher education. However, studying doesn’t seem to help much because the one brainy ingénue buys the farm too. For about the first hour of this doggie, only one killing occurs which our dim bulbs seem not to notice and they even unwittingly have her for lunch as a Sloppy Joe. During that long hour, the girls launch more F-bombs per minute than a platoon of drunken marines. What a potty mouthed group! The action finally starts up well into the last 1/3 of the film when the hungry cook (called that because he is from Hungary) proceeds to rapidly slaughter the rest of the lassies to insure meeting the time limit of this epic. I am convinced he was fully justified after having to listen to them talk for the first hour. The cook was somewhat interesting and well played for laughs by Mark Hengst. The gals were clearly only there to be killed and were about the dumbest group of people posing as college students that I’ve seen in a long while. And of course, the conservative religious student converts to the lesbonian side of the aisle shortly before meeting her maker. This one tried to be a splatter comedy but missed and was just not very good. The best parts of the movie were the clips shown during the closing titles. The movie was unrated but would probably gouge out an R for: multiple breastulations and bumulations, nuclear F-Bombing, appalling cast mortality, appallingly low entrance standards for college, involuntary cannibalism, rampant lesbonianism, rampant S&M, rampant thighs, rampant stab wounds, and especially for the extra tasty Sloppy Joes made with the other white meat and I don’t mean possum.