Timber Falls

Timber Falls (2007): Here is another story about seriously deranged redneck hillbilly white trash in West Virginia terrorizing some nice folks from the city, but this one is done better than average and has a few unusual angles going for it. This is about the umpteenth movie made about egregious hillbillies in West Virginia creating havoc so I think Hollywood needs to give that state a little break. Let’s go back to defaming people from Mississippi or Louisiana again just like in the good ole days.

It seems a nice city couple head for the hills of West Virginny for a week-end of hiking and other less mobile but still strenuous physical activities. After getting some directions from the local ranger station they run into a group of armed locals while they are taking a break from hiking and are earnestly involved with that other activity. They get out of that predicament without too much trouble and camp out overnight. Someone is watching them and the next morning while the girl goes for a swim she gets disappeared by a deformed mountain dweller. I think we’ve all seen this movie before but just as I was about to dismiss this effort, it lurched in an unexpected direction.

Sure, the guy and girl get captured and tied up, tortured and stuff, but then the ranger they had met the night before shows up at the house with a loony tune lady and the disfigured kidnapper all dressed up for a wedding! Goll durn if the local loonies aren’t going to marry the couple! I had to rewind and play that part it again; this was new territory for the Tapehead. The best line of the movie went to the ranger/reverend during the wedding ceremony by saying; “You can now kiss the bride……or I’ll cut her lips off.” It seems the local couple is VERY religious and is having trouble having kids. The one they did manage to pop out is our seriously demented, ugly as a porky pine’s bottom kidnapper. All her other efforts are kept is jars in the back room. So the religious couple comes up with plan B, to kidnap some people with better genes and have them deliver a baby. But since the victim couple was not married, they couldn’t have a child out of wedlock and so married them. Apparently they haven’t heard of adoption in rural West Virginia.

Now the guy has to impregnate his girlfriend or else. After both lose some lesser body parts for refusing to cooperate, the girl reveals she is several months pregnant by her boyfriend which means the kid was conceived out of wedlock. Well, this throws the religious couple into a real tizzy and during all the confusion; the semi-married couple manage to escape but not before just about everyone else in the cast expires with lots of anguish and serious arterial bleeding. Our escaping couple also loses more bodily fluids and amasses an unhealthy number of puncture wounds by the time they get back to civilization. The movie kidnapped an R for: multipurpose flammable moonshine, serious whipping, beating, and finger removal, bizzaro wedding, head removal, multiple gunshot wounds, bumulation and breastulation, and especially for the table the ingénue is frequently strapped to during the blessed event initiation activities.