Killer Tongue

Killer Tongue (1996): How can you not rent a movie with this title? Ok, Ok….I know how you can, but I couldn’t resist taking a flyer on this one. This Spanish/UK produced movie is a real mess but is also a real hoot. Somehow they have managed to make a semi-coherent movie about: a) a bank robbery, b) double crossing crooks, c) a maniacal prison warden, d) a meteor crash, e) a talking alien tongue, f) homosexual poodles, g) bored nuns and h) mobile outhouses. Rolling all that into one movie took a lot and the plot jumps around quite a bit but the flick has its moments.

The best line went to the warden when warned to take refuge in a nearby church. He exclaims, “I only go to church with a pine box or a virginal bride.” Trying to write a synopsis of this mess in a few lines is probably impossible, however, it seems Johnny and Candy have robbed a bank and double-crossed some partners. He gets caught and she holes up in a nunnery while he serves his sentence planning to recover the stash when he gets out. Meanwhile a few days prior to his prison release, a meteor crashes nearby. A bit of meteor winds up falling in Candy’s soup while she is dining and ingestion of said bit causes her to mutate into the titular appendage bearing star of the movie. It seems Mr. Tongue needs to feed on the local population and Candy soon has a moral dilemma on her hands or perhaps a tongue dilemma would be more accurate. By the way, the tongue speaks with a Brooklyn accent which fits nicely with the other large amounts of missing logic found in this movie. Will she resist and face a tongue lashing or go along with the tongue?

The big finale occurs at the nunnery when ‘Tongued Candy’, her former nun-mates, her boyfriend, the warden, and the gay poodles all have a big shoot out. Who wins? Well it really doesn’t matter, if you’ve come this far, it’s the journey that counts, not the ending. The movie is rated R for: bloody violence, painted on cat suit, male bummery, talking in tongues, talking tongues, ironing tongues, cutting tongues, romancing the tongue, massive French kissing, swinging from rafters via tongue, tongue depression, and for the humongous amounts of splattering grue from exploding heads and other assorted body parts.