Boa vs Python

Boa vs. Python (2004): Well, we’ve recently been exposed to Alien vs. Predator but that was an ‘A’ movie so I thought I’d wait until something more of a B type ‘vs.’ movie came along and this was it. Guess I made a mistake. If you like lots of computer generated giant snakes, this is the flick for you. Shot somewhere in Balkanland to keep costs down, the only name I recognized was one of the ingénues who was a former Playboy centerfold. You really need to get your tongue stapled to your cheek for this one; planting it in your cheek doesn’t use enough force to keep you from screaming ‘enough already!’ at the plot. While quite unbelievable the cast does give it a good try and there are many deaths to keep genre fans viewing. There is also a gratuitous nude bathing scene at 30,000 feet that gives a whole new meaning to the ‘mile high club’.

This one kind of borrows from the saying “It takes a thief to catch a thief” but you need to substitute ‘giant snake’ for thief. It seems a giant snake from Asia is smuggled into Pennsylvania (where?) for a big hunting expedition when it escapes into the Philadelphia water system (see what I said about unbelievable plot). The FBI has a nicely shaped-blond female scientist wire an electronic box onto another giant snake that has been domesticated by a brilliant muscular male scientist. They decide to send the ‘good’ snake after the ‘bad’ snake which is where the plot peaks and goes steadily downhill thereafter. You can tell the good snake because it is red while the bad one is green and eats people. The ‘hero’ who is leading the illegal hunting party and also smuggled in the bad snake is additionally very muscular and has a girlfriend who apparently doesn’t like a lot of cloth touching her. They all wind up in the underground water works fighting the snakes and each other. The hunter ‘hero’ uses a flamethrower to try and kill the bad snake and sets half a dozen soldiers fighting with him on fire. I don’t know about you, but this kind of diminished his status as hero in my book, but maybe I’m being too critical. This flick can be recommended to herpetologists only. The movie is rated R for: nude bathing, multiple decapitations from the waist up, bad flamethrower marksmanship, reptilian egg eating, and for the cold blooded snakes and hot blooded babes.