Frog-g-g!

Oh to return to the days of yesteryear when life was simple and there were drive-in movies. In those days, the quality of the movie was much less important than the quality of the person accompanying you to the flick. And the movie didn’t even have to be any good because there were, um, other ‘things’ to do. Ah….…I’m getting way too nostalgic for my own good but I’m not alone. Here is a flick trying to recapture the glory days of drive-in movies. I hope you have a good date with you for this one.


Frog-g-g! (2004) This one is an attempt to recreate a drive-in movie in the style of the 70’s. These guys forgot that there is a good reason why no one goes to 70’s type drive-in movies anymore. First, no drive-ins and second, the movies were usually quite odorific. However, these guys did succeed well in the stinker category. It seems that some local industrial pollution is causing frog mutation in the local friendly swamp. You get a real clue as to where this movie’s head is at right at the start when the movie opens with the two female stars robustly engaging in an ‘Isle of Lesbos’ type of entanglement. Once outing the gals, we find out one of them is the head EPA inspector sporting a PHD and tight jeans. Her isle activity partner is the local bartender who has no degree but also comes equipped with tight jeans. The local good ole boy sheriff is the brother-in-law of the chemical company president and I’m sure you can figure out where we are going with that. After a few more naughty entanglements, our EPA PHD figures out that our mutant giant frog needs to mate with the closest species genetically. Well, goll-durn if that doesn’t turn out to be us! So what we wind up with is a giant frog with an unhealthy interest in the local female population. This puts a whole new meaning to the term ‘horny-toad’.

After dancing the dance of the two humped camel with a couple of unwilling young ladies, our froggy shows up at the big high school football game and gives one of the best illegal clothes-line tackles ever seen on screen. After briefly eyeing the cheerleader squad he escapes into the swamp. Tracing his path on a map, our heroine sees he is heading towards the local Catholic School for Girls (yes, really) and the big climax occurs at the school. Our heady PHD utters the best line when asked why the frog killed a nun rather than assaulting her by replying, “He probably sensed the low estrogen levels.” The school girls (who all apparently wear lingerie in school) are briefly menaced by our large frog who is then dispatched and everyone lives happily ever after except the impregnated lady who has a rough childbirth. Apparently our randy frog was quite potent. The movie is not rated but should come in about an R for: multiple breastulations, interspecies sex, anatomically incorrect rubber frog suit, illegal frog downfield, frog unsportsmanlike conduct, illegal frog procedure, and a host of other uncalled football penalties.