Dead Man's Hand

Dead Man’s Hand (2007): Those familiar with some of the history of the old west will be familiar with the poker term ‘dead man’s hand’ which is aces and eights and was supposedly the hand Wild Bill Hickock held when he was shot in the back. I’ll still take that hand any day by the way, in spite of the historical risk. However, any connection to that famous hand and this movie is tenuous at best. Right at the start you realize this is a real low budget outing when in the first scene you see the lead ingénue sleeping on a motel bed wearing headphones. The next shot shows her boyfriend bringing her a cup of coffee and goll durn, no headphones. Perhaps these ghostly headphones portend the presence of spirits soon to be encountered. I say not likely. Methinks it be a gross continuity error. In addition, the lead ingénue, though pretty, swallows her dialogue and can hardly be understood unless in a real screaming fit. Fortunately, she does get to exercise her lungs later in the flick.
This is really a teen in a box movie as 3 couples head to an old casino that one of the semi-coherent males inherited. It seems like everyone in these movies is inheriting some kind of building and they always seem to be haunted or cursed or at least radioactive or perhaps inhabited by a hungry mutant or maybe a mad scientist or two. In this case the haunted casino has a mix of crooks and former employees who were killed in the 80’s by the casino owner and they want revenge from the inheritor. Fortunately for him, most of the dead that pile up are his friends and he and his earphone-less lassie live to star in more bad movies. Only performances by B movie veterans Sid Haig and Michael Berryman lift this flick slightly out of the pure stinker class. The movie is not rated but would probably scare up an R for: marked victims, marked cards, multiple removed arms, fake sex, lame fake sex, head bleeding, bleeding toilet, bad cards, bad bets, bad plot, bad continuity and for the poor real estate agent who meets a really violent end in the ladies room at the start of the movie.

The High Crusade

The High Crusade (1994): Soundly trashed by critics, this little German made SiFi movie found a warm spot in the Tapehead’s heart. How can you not cut some slack for a movie about and alien invasion of England during the time of the Crusades? Very loosely based on a story by classic SiFi writer Poul Anderson, the movie attempts some Monty Pythonesque humor but steadfastly descends to the level of very low brow English comedy. Nevertheless, the movie generates many pleasant moments. The story goes something like this, a one legged courier hops to an English prince’s castle to tell of the English army’s defeat in the Holy Land asking for reinforcements. Everyone is arming and getting ready to punish the offending Moors when an alien spaceship lands and disgorges a squad of troops armed with laser blasters and an unfriendly attitude. The superiority of the English long bow is soon proven as the Crusaders somehow blunder to victory and capture the ship and its pilot. The dunderheads now plan to take the ship to the Holy Land and use it to give the Moors a good spanking. But fate intervenes when the pilot manages to lock on the auto pilot which takes them all back to the alien’s home planet.

The Crusaders’ attempts to get out of this mess take up the remaining part of the movie and contain a few scenes of gem like quality. I particularly enjoyed the scenes where the friar (John Rys-Davis) is attempting to teach the alien some of the church’s views on astronomy. The alien is totally frustrated trying to counter the friar’s argument that the sun revolves around the Earth. In addition to the aliens, the Prince has to deal with a sleazy Frenchman, a frustrated bride, as well as a keeping tabs on a number of the intellectually challenged members of his army. While not close to a classic, if you enjoy low comedy and or SiFi movies, you may spend a pleasant afternoon with this DVD. The movie is not rated but would probably garner a PG13 for: multiple fart jokes, limb lopping, high explosions, and especially for the demonstration of alien finger sex.

And Now Ladies and Gentlemen

And Now … Ladies and Gentlemen (2002): First, let’s give this French movie some credit; it has an actual beginning and end but retains the traditional painfully long middle. It also has dubbing which prevented me from having to read a lot of mundane dialogue which could have induced eye strain during this chick flicker.

I’ve seen dueling banjos in ‘Deliverance” but this is the first flick I’ve seen with dueling tumors! The somewhat unbelievable story goes something like this: Lady jazz singer in an ebony and ivory duo has a crush on their horn player who tends to dabble more on the dark side. This causes her to leave the troupe and go solo. She starts to lose her memory and on occasion wanders around in a trance and wakes up in strange places. She winds up in Morocco playing at hotel piano bars.

Jeremy Irons plays the English patient and a jewel thief who decides to buy a sail boat (named Ladies and Gentlemen hence the title) and go on a solo world cruise. He is also having bouts of memory loss and passes out on occasion. Well, as luck would have it, he starts his global journey only to pass out and ram Morocco near the very same hotel where our jazz gal is playing. Fortunately, Morocco was only slightly wounded and Irons soon starts wandering around the undamaged parts of the country. Both wind up seeing the same doctor since there’s only one in all of Morocco who can treat them. Now if you had a rare brain tumor, would you stay in Morocco where only one guy can actually treat you? Apparently, this is logical in French movies.

They meet, sort of fall in love, wander around in dazes together and on occasion, forget they met the other. At this point, I thought the movie might have been the basis for Adam Sandler’s “50 First Dates” but this one isn’t funny. Later a robbery occurs and Irons is accused of the theft and he can’t remember if he did it. He eventually confesses so he can get out of jail and get his much needed surgery. The lady jazz singer opts for treatment by chanting with mystics. Since this has a happy ending, both treatments work and the tumoric couple survive. The movie is rated PG-13 for: massive swindling, massive memory loss, massive coincidences, chanting in tongues, and for wounding Morocco with a yacht.

Abominable

Abominable (2006): Here is a first time effort by the son of legendary movie scorer, Lalo Schifrin that actually works pretty well. The director described the movie as ‘Bigfoot meets Rear Window’ and he hits his target pretty well. The flick goes for old fashioned suspense for the first two thirds or so of the film and then goes for the jugular in the final third. It seems that the lead character (Matt McCoy) lost his wife and became paralyzed from the waist down after an accident while climbing a local mountain. He now questions why he is still alive and has been under a doctor’s care (the type that mess with your head) and has been sent home for therapeutic reasons. He is coming home under the care of a callous care giver for the first time since his rock bouncing incident. Soon a gaggle of giggling college gals arrives at the home next store for a fun week-end. As in Rear Window, he soon starts using binoculars to voyeur the surroundings and sees a big hairy thing make off with one of the gals. The remaining gals think his is a peeping Tom pervert and his care giver thinks he’s crazy. Much of the movie builds suspense as things get more desperate until finally the hairy beast attacks with gusto. Cast depopulation is appalling. However, this is really an old fashioned movie with real people instead of brainless greasy teens as leads and there are few CGI effects. What you do get is a big man in a big hairy rubber suit, but this is done pretty well. And there are great cameos by genre veterans Lance Hendriksen and Jeffrey Coombs. The movie is rated R for: multiple ripping entrails, Bigfoot, big hand, big claw, gratuitous shower scene with orbulation and bumulation, gratuitous snatching naked shower gal though a window while folded the wrong way (gal, not window), smoking while on oxygen, sheriff sarcasm, death by Chevrolet, face chewing, neck chewing, and for the excessive bone litter found in Bigfoot’s home.