Petrified

Petrified (2006): Hold on to your heads gang because viewing this movie will likely cause your mind to go numb and your brains to fall out. You won’t believe the plot in this low budget non-classic. It seems some ner-do-wells have smuggled an ancient mummy into the country from Libya, accidentally spilling some blood on it after murdering their client. The mummy comes to life and uses his laser eyeballs to turn them into stone. But wait, one of the ner-do-wells is an undercover FBI agent who runs from the murderous ner-do-wells before they can kill him. He and two other agents are on the trail of the mummy who is actually an alien mummy that apparently crashed on earth a long time ago. Don’t ask me how or why the ancients managed to eliminate this alien with ‘Betty Davis eyes’ and mummify him thousands of years ago. And how is it he comes back to life with a little blood spill? Don’t ask. Mr. Mummy had really bad teeth too, so he might actually have come from the UK but that is just a guess on my part. And Mr. Mummy also comes with a mummified hand in a box but he appears to have both of his own hands (or claws) attached so….who’s hand is it anyway? Don’t ask.

Our hero hides in what appears to be a standard 3 bedroom house but is actually a clinic for wayward girls….well…..that is…..um…..the gals all seem to have an excess lust for….well…………lust. So what we wind up with is a tale of an alien mummy loose in a building full of, how shall we say this gracefully, less-bean nymphomaniacs. This is clearly just an excuse to bring in a lot of WIU’s (women in underwear) and have a lot of less-bean grapplings. Apparently the mummy likes to drink blood too and interrupts a number of grapplings, turns a number of lustful ladies into porcelain and causes sufficient mayhem to cause the mad professor who runs the clinic, the studly FBI agent and the lead grappler’s sister to join forces and defeat the mummy. Luckily, it turns out that salt turns him to dust and all live happily ever after but for a few exceptions. It seems the missing hand has suddenly reanimated (don’t ask how or why) and strangles the Doctors remaining lead grappling patient and then disappears. The dead former lead grappler’s sister is eyeballed to stone near the end but appears to have only been pebbleized since she miraculously recovers and appears ready to grapple with the studly FBI agent as the movie ends. One of the FBI agents just plain disappears from the movie about halfway through this mess. The movie is rated R for: brief breastulation, multiple underwear clad damsels in distress, excessive grappling, multiple stoned actors acting woodenly, multiple mummy orthodontia needs, grade B mad scientist, and for the quick recovery from vitrification by the heroine.

Sheitan

Sheitan (2006): Well, I gave the French one more shot at obtaining Tapehead credibility and rented another Franco-horro film. This one is about a couple of city couples who go to the country on Christmas Eve for a couple of couplings. Three guys and one gal are drinking in a raucous bar and pick up a cute French girl from the country who invites them to spend Christmas Eve at her home in the boonies. The interesting angle is that the four are from Moslem families living in France and they aren’t too concerned about Christmas as much as they are in attempts at begating with members of the opposite sex. The four are quickly divested of any innocence they might have had when they rob a gas station to obtain gas and nachos to aid in initiating the country trip.

Once arriving at the large country manor, they meet Joseph (Vincent Cassel) the field hand who has the biggest toothy smile in all of Christendom and looks mad as a hatter. Who says first impressions are usually wrong? He lives in the house with his pregnant wife and there are a couple of other loonies that appear to be wandering around in the house but the girl’s parents are long gone. The group have a weird swim in the local hot springs that further enhances the idea that we have left normal France far behind and entered the Zon de Twiluz. Several attempted grapplings occur along with long meaningless dialogues between various cast members that tend to obscure any rational behavior spotted earlier in the movie. Suffice it to say that while better than other recent French flickers, this one though having a true beginning, still has a long middle and may even have an ending but by then all hope of understanding it will have passed by. It was interesting to note that the Moslem cast members, while soulless, crooked and usually drunk, appeared mostly rational while almost every Frenchman is depicted as a madman or a retard. Hopefully, this movie isn’t too close to reality. The movie is unrated but would probably come in with an R for; multiple orbulations, multiple toothy smiles, excessive thigh rubbing, excessive eye removals, flattening via Peugeot, short shorts in winter, abrupt motor scooter stoppage, goat abuse, and especially for the baby dropping scene.