Heaven

Heaven (1998): Well, here is another mystery movie centered on a strip club. This one is a little different because it also has an architect as a major character. Architects seem to be frequently portrayed in movies as eccentrics and ours is no exception leaning toward being a gambling addict and an excessive alcohol imbiber. He is the architect for a sleazy owner of a run down strip club who is designing a new improved den of iniquity. One of the dancer type sort of gals doesn’t exactly have a heart of gold but a third eye….I mean she can see the future….sort of….well, I’m not sure exactly how she does it but she does get headaches and sees an evil doctor. This leads to flash backs, hidden flash backs that turn out to be flash forwards, and well……you really have to pay attention because what happens isn’t always what happens if you get my drift. Don’t worry; I had trouble with this too. Made in Australia with US actors taking the major roles (Martin Donovan & Joanna Going) it is not a bad little mystery playing with our perceptions and assumptions about what we are seeing at any particular time. While the main heavy is not a nice guy, there are plenty of heavies to go around and not too may good guys. The mystery is how is the architect going to solve all of his problems and what the heck does everyone see in the giant, prescient, he-she dancer? Overall, not a bad movie and is worth a rent. The movie is rated R for: brief nudity at the strip club, detailed head wounds, graphic dead bodies, bad psychologist, bad marriage, bad luck, bad furniture, and for the ‘Sweeper’.

Brotherhood of the Wolf

Brotherhood of the Wolf: (2001): I have now seen it all. I have now seen a French made mystery, horror, kung fu, 18th century historical period piece movie. All this with wonderful photography and 5.1 Dolby sound and is packaged into a very complex and character driven movie. This one will require you to pay close attention due to the large number of characters from all different social classes as they interact in rural France of the 1700’s. In fact, while classed as a horror movie, there is as much detail regarding the social structure of the day as on the main mystery. It is easy to get lost in the details of this film. Based on what is believed to be a true incident, the story concerns a rash of killings of women and children in a section of rural France by a wolf like creature. The King sends out his head taxidermist/naturalist along with his faithful Indian companion (no, not Tonto and he doesn’t wear a mask either) to capture and ‘stuff’ the creature and bring it back to Paris. Our hero is a man of reason at the dawn of the age of reason and runs into a situation that tests his imagination and the strength of his convictions. Mixed into this porridge is the politics of the local lord, the church, and the local army commander. The hero not only has to deal with the facts, but local superstition, religious beliefs, political correctness and his own reputation as a ladies man (well deserved by the way). You do not see the beast until well into the movie and suspense continues to build throughout the film with a truly exciting and unexpected finish. In history, the beast was never found but this movie offers and explanation as to what might have been. I guess every era has its Roswell, N.M. and this movie has the 18th century’s version of cover ups and conspiracy theories. But this basic story line continues to be woven into the rich tapestry of the background of the movie. It is impossible to ignore the lifestyle of the time period depicted and you almost forget that this is a horror movie you are watching. This movie will not likely be what you expect but rent it for an enjoyable and thought provoking evening. The movie is rated R for: bordello hopping, bordello nudity, kung fu like violence, overbearing nobles, pig headed army officers, intriguing priests, butt-ugly peasants, multi-purpose courtesans, a very efficient beast, and for lots of mud, rain, snow, and drafty rooms.

Keys to Tulsa

The Keys to Tulsa: (1997) Ok gang, how many of you have even heard of this little potboiler, let alone seen it? With a well known cast, somewhat complicated plot, and interesting characters, you would have thought it would have made a bigger splash when it snuck onto the screen in 97. Starring Eric Stoltz, James Spader, Debra Unger, and Joanna Going, it also has many smaller parts littered with excellent actors such as; James Coburn, Mary Tyler Moore, Cameron Diaz, and Peter Strauss. The recently issued DVD has little on it other than the movie and some stills of the cast and crew. It is not even in wide screen and has only 2.0 Dolby stereo, however it is definitely worth a rent. It is really a murky morality tale about redemption and believe me; most of the characters in this tale are in need of redemption. The story concerns a black sheep son of a wealthy Tulsa family who returns home to find his old world is worse off than when he left it. The plot enmeshes characters from the richest country clubs to the sordid world of strip clubs. (You know, all these types of movies seem to end up in a strip club. Is this a plot device to ensure an R rating you think?) If there is a weak spot in the plot, it is the ‘stripper with a heart of gold’ which seems to be a given in far too many movies. Our stripper here is more gold plated than solid gold since she is almost always under the influence of some sort of liquid or powder if you get my drift and I think you do. However, with crosscurrents, undercurrents, undertow, and stuff like that, the movie bounces along and builds to a somewhat unexpected conclusion. As you can guess, I liked this movie, it didn’t promise anything and delivered quite a lot. Not a great movie but better than most and complicated enough to keep you paying attention. The movie is rated R for: nudity (well, one scene was in a strip club, so what do you expect), drug sniffing, questionable morals of almost everyone in the cast, whacko rich guy, whacko mom, armed whacko, Unger sweat, poorly engineered party dress top, and excessive champagne spillage by a minor.

Slither

Slither (2006): Based on the title of this flick and the fact that everyone talked with a mid-western accent, I expected to see something like ‘Snakes on the Plains” but whoa there, was I ever wrong. Not only did the movie not take place on the plains (it was supposed to be North Carolina), there were no snakes either. What we have here is an alien invasion flick in the tradition of the old 80’s over the top horror flicks complete with disgusting monsters and maximum high end carnage.

If the truth be told, the movie is truly a love story but with an off the wall take on love and fidelity. It seems that Grant and Starla Grant (that makes him Grant Grant) are married (she poor, he rich). While being rejected from a bit of the old marital bliss one night, Grant goes to a bar where he is picked up by a floozy who knew him in school. They go out in the woods and in a standard B movie plot, camel dancing would soon ensue. But wait, this is not your average B movie, and even though he is drunk as a skunk, ole Grant turns the young lady down for love of Starla, even though the floozy is throwing herself at him like a Nolan Ryan fastball. Well, gol-durn if a meteor doesn’t land nearby and shoots ole Grant with a dart that causes him to start craving raw meat and other unsavory things. He starts changing as the alien presence within him grows stronger and he eventually impregnates the floozy in a rather disgusting alien way but is also able to keep Starla happy in the normal way. The poor floozy becomes the largest pregnant lady ever seen on the screen, filling it completely along with the barn she is kept in. But darn, if she doesn’t explode and send slug like creatures all over who crawl into the townspeople’s throats and soon they become stumbling zombies, part of the singular alien presence. The really downside of all this is that when you are zombified, you lose all appreciation for good food, not caring if your steak is served raw, medium, well done, or festering. In fact festering seems to be the preparation of choice.

The local sheriff (Nathan Fillion) and his staff are trying to figure out how to save the world but are having a hard time keeping on top of things. In fact, the sheriff is almost killed by an alien controlled deer! Gregg Henry steals most of his scenes as the foul mouthed mayor who goes completely ape-spit, when he finds out there is no Mr. Pibb in the back of the police car while they are escaping from the alien zombies. In the end, the world is saved by the true love shared between Starla and Grant, or at least what’s left of Grant. You’ve probably heard of ‘Romancing the Stone’; well give Starla a lot of credit for romancing the slug, and saving the world.

This is a well done B horror movie that takes fairly standard material and makes it into a very entertaining tale. With a perfect mix of comedy and horror, this is one to catch if spotted in the rental aisles. All this without a single bosom or bum in view too.
The movie is rated R for: uncountable disgusting slugs, ugly squid like Grant Grant, exploding pregnancies, exploding heads, multiple zombies chanting “STARLA” in unison, slugs in the woods, slugs in the car, slugs in the tub, and especially for the slugs in the mouth, yuck.

Sick Girl

Sick Girl (2005): This is another short movie in the Masters of Horror series from Cable TV. It concerns a lesbonian etymologist who has trouble with her love live because of the 6 legged pets she keeps in her apartment. Most of her dates take one look at what’s in the cages and make a fast exit. She finally hooks up with a college age gal who has a crush on her and doesn’t bug her about the bugs. About this time an unknown admirer sends her a rare species of tropical bug which appears rather aggressive and may have eaten the landlady’s dog when it escaped. Her new friend Misty (played by Erin Brown formerly known as Misty Mundae in soft-corno dermis flicks, (not to worry, she continues her celluloid tradition of disrobing on screen here) moves in and everything appears headed for a future full of blissful lesbonianism. Of course, this can’t happen and while little 6 legged Fido is loose, Misty gets bitten in the ear. This causes some unfortunate personality and physical changes to occur which lead to severe blood loss for several of the cast. The bug eventually lays eggs in the gals and the movie ends with the two happily pregnant with Lord knows how many little feet about to erupt. Not a great movie but an interesting one for termite fanciers out there. The movie is not rated but should come in at R for: rampant lesbonianism, gratuitous breastulations, leaky pus filled ear lobe, ultra-nasty bug, mean ole landlady, and for the general uselessness of all the males in the movie.

Deer Woman

Deer Woman (2005): Made for Cable TV’s Master of Horror series, this direct to TV film was surprisingly enjoyable. Starring Brian Benben and directed by John Landis, it is the tale of a Native American fable come to life and causing problems for a distressed police detective. It all starts when a trucker is found mashed to death in his truck’s cab apparently trampled by deer. No one can figure out how deer could flatten him in a truck cab and he was last seen accompanied by a Native American looker of the female persuasion. The best line went to Brian Benben commenting to the coroner about finding solutions to the killings by looking at the massively mashed and mangled cadaver by saying, “We’ve been going over this for hours and all we come up with is death by taxidermy.” Several scenes reenact Benben’s theories about how the killing occurred which are quite funny. There is a good mix of comedy and horror which keeps the movie moving in spite of a lot of logic holes in the plot. It also kind of ends abruptly but overall will be enjoyable for the neurotic out there. The movie is not rated but would probably be given an R for: bleeding piles of red stuff with arms and legs akimbo, trucker stomping, multiple fake Native American orbulations, casino drinking, multiple inept police, multiple hooves of death, and especially for the awful Indian jokes told by the talking deer head at the casino.