Goodbye Lover

Goodbye Lover (1998): If you like dark comedies with double and triple crossings, this flick is for you. Starring Don Johnson, Patricia Arquette, Dermot Mulroney, Mary-Louise Parker, and with Ellen DeGeneres as the most cynical cop ever to cross the street in L.A., the movie is just enough off center to keep your interest. And Ms. Arquette gets to wear a number of outrageous outfits in her role as a real estate agent with plans to better her life. The story goes something like this, Ms. Arquette is married to the alcoholic Dermot who works at an agency with his successful brother (Don Johnson) who is doing the dance of the two humped camel with Ms. Arquette. The brothers work with the talented Mary-Louise and cross purposes start to set in. Johnson tries to dump Arquette for Parker and, well it gets kind of complicated from there on out. You have to search long and hard to find a character without ulterior motives in this film. The only really decent character is the goober side-kick of DeGeneres played by Ray McKinnon. He sets up the best line in the movie by asking DeGeneres why she works so hard to solve murders if she hates everyone so much. She smilingly replies, “Because once in a while I get to shoot someone.” I liked this flick and you may enjoy it too. The movie is rated R for: rampant immorality, rampant sexuality, rampant thighs, rampant murder, organ playing, shopping on Rodeo Drive, and the lack of a moral compass of almost everyone in the movie.

Shallow Ground

Shallow Ground (2004): First we had Shallow Grave, then Shallow Hal, and now shallow Ground. I think the trend toward shallower movies is certainly confirmed by this one and it certainly has a shallower budget than most movies. According to the DVD commentary, this flick was put together for less than $100K but it looks a lot better than that. They must have spent a sizable portion of that budget on fake blood because that really gets deep for such a shallow movie.
The movie opens with a shocker as a naked young teen boy walks though the woods and into the local rural police HQ covered in blood carrying a large knife. He won’t talk and seems to ooze blood from unusual orifices on occasion. His fingerprints test positive for about 6 different people who have all gone missing and notes written in blood start showing up all over the police station. The locale is a rural setting and the area is soon to be flooded by a new dam and most everyone has left including most of the police who are packing up the station as the action starts. The mystery is really about what is going on and it certainly can be difficult to figure out. Do we have serial killers, inbred redneck loonies, or maybe its ghosts, or some sort of conspiracy going on and that’s the best part of the movie, not knowing exactly what is really going on. The ending is a bit shallow and doesn’t fully do justice to everything that has happened but the story and plot will keep you involved in the movie. Not a bad flick for a really low budget effort and the acting is well above average for this type of movie. The movie is rated R for: red bumulations, breastulations, hanging chains, hanging ingénues, bleeding eyes, bleeding hair, bleeding nose, bleeding toes, bleeding body parts of your choice, bleeding school bus, and for the mini blood tsunami.

Motor Home Massacre

Motor Home Massacre (2005): Well, we’ve had all types of massacres from Hollywood in the past but this time we have a new location for murderous mayhem. However, after viewing this travesty, it should have been called, ‘Next to the Motor Home Massacre’, or ‘In the General Vicinity of the Motor Home Massacre’ or ‘Camp Ground Massacre’ because no one actually buys the farm while in the motor home. In fact that was probably the safest place to be in this flick. Even the girl who is accidentally dragged behind the motor home for a few miles survives, although she wasn’t real good at walking, talking or chewing gum for a while.
This is a pretty typical ‘dead teen’ movie with several couples sneaking off in one of their parent’s motor homes for a lustful camping weekend of tent erections and home rocking. As it turns out, there is a seriously whacked out serial killer operating in the area and they all meet up in camp. It soon becomes obvious who the killer is (hint: The wacko always answers the cell phone even though it never rings.) and is eventually stopped by the surviving teens. This movie was stuck in somewhat of a rut in the murder department because almost all the killings involved being hacked to death by a machete. It was disappointing not to see power tools in use which would have saved a lot of time and perhaps blessedly shortened the movie. This one is only for fans of the fine art of machete carving. The movie is rated R for: gratuitous breastulations, massive machete mayhem, multiple machete murders, dumbed down doomed teens, and for the courageous cop who attacks the killer with his wooden leg.